I could give excuse after excuse, like starting a new job, having a lot of chores, I'm tired...but the real reason I think is two-fold. One is that I think and process so much or come up with a plan that I falsely believe that I have actually done something productive physically. I wonder if the 'Name It, Claim It' from Christian circles got into my thinking. I wonder if I twisted what God said, 'Speak the things that aren't as though they are until they come to pass. But I missed something most important: my cooperation with God and accomplishing what is in my heart to do.
The second thing is a habit of putting off something that is unpleasant at the time, that requires a lot of thought, decision and work to accomplish. It will require letting go of what I thought I was, what I thought I wanted to do, what I wish I could have done, what I still want to do. It requires me to decide what I really want or don't want to keep, where to put what I do want and make room for it, what to do with what I don't. It all requires time and emotional effort. I wonder if I could not allow my emotions to control me and just accept that this time spent will be worth it and multiply my time in the future when it's all done.
I've put off so many things in my life for so many reasons that it has become a habit. This is a habit I want to break. I want to create a new habit of being organized and doing what needs to be done at the right time.
I always thought of myself as being an organized person so therefore I am one. What I really need to do is tell myself the truth. I believe that my desire is to be organized and keep things in a tidy, orderly way. It's in me to be and do this, but I was never trained. This isn't an excuse, it's just a fact. So now I need to be real, look at my life, my stuff and tell it like it is. I am messy, I have too much stuff and don't know how to keep my stuff in order. I have some places designated for the things I want, but it's overflowing and there are things I don't have a place for.
So what do I do now? I will learn a new way; a way that cooperates with God and gets it done and keeps it that way knowing that I'll need to reorganize or change how and what I'm doing as my life changes. I won't think I should have done better and beat myself up and I won't feel bad.
Today I was determined to get my clothes done. What did I do instead? I organized my tea cupboard. Whatever I do will require further actions. My tea cupboard isn't overflowing and I actually have extra room now and that's good. I didn't take a before picture, but I have an after one. I'm keeping the tea I like or want to have a variety available if someone comes over. That leaves me with trying some of the teas to see if I like them and deciding what to do with the rest, there's quite a bit. I think I'll post them on the community group to give away if someone wants them.
So going back to my original desire to get my clothes done. I haven't yet. There is still time, but not as much because I chose to do the tea cupboard. I was productive, but not with what I had planned to do. I was sabotaging my desire. Why? What is in my heart that causes me to do this? I've done this many, many time. It's time to stop.
So now I have to vacuum the house and I will work on my clothes. I'll have sorting boxes. I'll put in the closet what I like and wear. One box will be to keep but store in a place I designate. One box of undecided clothes like Rich's and his mom's cub scout uniforms. One box will be to sell and one to donate. That sounds simple doesn't it. This will help me grow emotionally and mentally as I develop this skill of organizing and being realistic about the space I have and what I want in my life.
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